what do I do with me?

I bought a couple of books yesterday. Heaven help me, I'm going to read self help books. Now that's not something I ever thought in a million years I'd do. Seriously, I always thought they were ridiculous and touchy feely. Not something I'm good at. Touchy feely, not my thing. But I've been looking for a support group of sorts around here and well, there isn't one. Oh there are groups for military families, but not for 9/11 related families. It's a whole different ball game. See, military people return from war. They place they were traumatized is way over there somewhere and they never have to return to it again. They're a certain safety that comes with distance. These guys have to continue to return to the place of their trauma every day. And when it's a military family, there is a certain knowledge that bad things are going to happen. I know when he leaves for work every day he may not come home due to an accident but none of us were prepared for the possibility that something might happen to cause long term PTSD. Unfortunately, that part may have been avoided had he gone for help the first time I suggested it. But he didn't, and that pisses me off. A lot. So much pain and anger and damage could have been avoided if he'd done something back when the abyss was a crack in the foundation. But he didn't and this is where we are now and I have to deal with what is, not what I wish it would be. It is so dang frustrating that mental illness still has such a stigma. When is that going to change? Haven't we established that it's nothing to be ashamed of or hide anymore? I believe that's why he wouldn't go earlier. When he was king of the hill, the guy, it was unthinkable that anyone know he was ill. Fascinating really. See, we all knew he was behaving like a jackass, that he was lying to us all on a regular basis. So, in his mind, it was better that we all thought he was just a jackass and not ill? Not even Mr. Spock could find the logic in that. I guess like anything else, he had to fall to rock bottom before he'd admit there was a problem. And had to drag his family down with him. So, now here we are. And since I can't find a support group in the area, I've decided that the next best thing is to read books from people who have been there and psychologists who have dealt with the families before. I need to gain some insight into how to help both him and I. He's going to need different things from me than he has before. We've moved from living with it to trying to heal it. And I need to learn how to function outside a war zone. I've focused on keeping him stable for so long it's hard not to continue to do that. It's funny because I've heard for so long, you need to take care of yourself, and he can do for himself and you need to stop catering to him. What no one understood is that no he can't. Not even me. I used to get so mad because I'd ask him to help me do something when he got home from work and he would tell me no. Seriously, he'd flat out say no. I marveled at women who had a honey-do list that actually got done by honey. But I'm learning that he honestly just didn't have the mental capability of functioning beyond work. He was so focused, to the point of obsession, that there was nothing left. And this is part of the illness. His mind was in a way trying to protect itself by having a single minded focus on a task. His mind honestly couldn't function beyond it. So, going on vacation or leaving him for more than a day was a really bad idea. He would fall apart because he then HAD to function beyond his "comfort" zone and the repercussions could last weeks. It's almost a co-dependant kind of relationship. He needed me to handle his life and I needed to keep life as sane and normal for the kids as I could. It came down to I was protecting the children from their father. That's a sad statement right there. But I still can't leave him alone with the kids. I need to be able to run interference until he can recognize abnormal behavior and reactions. Now as he is learning to cope and function like everyone else. I have to learn to let him do it on his own. And when he falls, he's got to pick himself back up. I can't do it for him anymore. Which is going to require things getting worse before they get better. For both of us. There's a certain comfort in doing it. In handling the situation in my way. It certainly made the childrens and my life easier. But it has also turned me into a control freak. And I need insight into how to let go of that control. So, I went to the mental illness section of the self help and found a couple of books I'm hoping will give me some guidance into all this from people who have been there and know what they're talking about. I realize that at some point, I will most likely have to go to counseling with him. There will be a point when he's well enough to understand the damage he's done to the family and we can begin to work on trying to fix that. That part makes me want to hurl. Because he really has no clue at the moment what he's done. How badly he's damaged his relationship with not only me but the children. He doesn't know that I stopped being in love with him long ago and his children can't stand him. I know, when he does realize it that it will be a hard thing to handle. It's going to hurt to know what he's done, and just how much work he will have to put into fixing it. And I wish I could protect him from that because I'm beginning to understand to separate the man from the PTSD. And what the PTSD has done will hurt the man. But, that's all part of me learning to let go of control. If it does devastate him and take him to his knees, he's going to have to work with his therapist to get back up. I can't do it for him. All I can do is pray he is in the right hands to get through it. In the meantime, I will read my books and work on what will be by necessity, the new me. This should be interesting. If you're out there reading this, know you are not alone.