Can't they just fix him and give him back?

No seriously, can't I just be done with having to deal with this? Yea I know the answer to the question. I just don't like the answer. I've been looking for sources, books and such to help me understand my side of the abyss. Let's face it, putting a name to it doesn't help much past the initial relief that a professional finally said what I've been saying all along. Well that and the overwhelming urge to run around yelling, "see everyone, he's not just a jackass, there's a valid reason for his behavior, and it can be fixed" Great, so I was right, now what? Well, according to "my sources" there's a whole lot of working through things and talking about things and this seems to be a long drawn out process. And here I was hoping they could just fix him and send him home. At this particular moment in time I just don't want to deal with this anymore. Not that I have a choice because well, there's this abyss you see and I don't want to deal with that more than I don't want to go through the "healing process" I hate process. I'm more of an instant gratification kinda gal. Then there's the whole what if we go through all this and it doesn't help? Man wouldn't that be awful. See, the guy I married, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, doesn't exist anymore. He's gone and he's not coming back. So what happens if I get to know this guy and the prospect of forever isn't so appealing anymore? I've been saying for years all I can do is pray my way through this. And boy have I been praying. That's about the only thing keeping me sane at this point. I think the good Lord might be getting sick of hearing from me. But now it seems, there's more that not only can I do but must do in order to come out the other side with him. But right now, I just want to have a normal life again. I want to be done with all this. I don't WANT to deal with it. But, the only way to get what I want right now, is to not be here. And well, that's not an option. Like my mama always said, this too shall pass. And it will. You see, one of the side affects of living with someone with PTSD is that your emotions are also on a constant roller coaster. While, at this moment I just want to throw up my hands and tap out, that will change by days end I'm sure. Because that would be quitting and that wouldn't sit well with me. By days end, I'll remember what we're fighting for here. And want to fight for it. Just gotta keep your eye on the prize. Do ya ever wonder what it's like on the other side of the abyss? I do. I often wonder what goes through his mind. Okay, most of the time it's more of a "what the hell were you thinking" kinda thing but sometimes it's a genuine interest in how his brain works. What happens in there? Why does he do things, or not do things? For instance, we can sit down and talk things out and create a strategy and have a plan. And he'll tell us that he's going to do something or be better at doing something. Then he never follows through. Now a rational person would understand that this process is only going to destroy any trust your family may have. And yea, at this point if he said the sky is blue I'd look up to check because I don't trust a word he says. If I ask him a question, and he gives me an answer, I don't trust he's telling me the truth. If he says he's going to do something, I don't believe he will. So what goes on in there that leads him to think this is a good idea? Ya gotta wonder if it's he doesn't think things through, if he is not capable of understanding consequences or if he just doesn't care. We've even had a discussion about it. Which leads us back to his inability to remember things. And my overwhelming frustration that he doesn't remember. It's like living in a constant loop. I've told him that he's damaging his relationship with his family, I've told him some of the things he does is really disrespectful to me and our marriage. He knows it's hurtful and pushing me farther away, and yet he continues to do it. Seriously, what's it like over there on the other side? It would be interesting to take a peek inside. If you're out there reading this and thinking yea I know exactly what you mean. Know you are not alone. Hang in there.