I miss happy

Well, our anniversary went pretty well. We went to a football game and had a good time. But I noticed he doesn't get into the game the way he used to. He's not as animated as he used to be. Then it dawned on me he doesn't get into anything the way he used to. We used to do things like go out on a Friday and hang out, shoot some pool, talk with friends. We haven't done that in a long time. He just can't muster the energy to participate in things like that anymore. He's just kinda of going through the motions of living. I miss him being happy. I miss his laugh, I miss going out and playing with him. I miss being at ease around him. I miss watching him with our children. I miss my husband. I miss normal. I miss waking up every day and not having to wonder if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. I miss not living life like we're bracing for impact. I know that PTSD is something that can be controlled and we can learn to live with it. But I wonder what life will be like on the other side. I wonder what this is going to look and feel like on the other side. Whatever it is, it has to be better than this. I'll hold onto the memories of happy and hold onto the hope that one day he will be again. If you're out there, you're not alone.

That feeling in the pit of your stomach

You know what I'm talking about. That oh boy here it comes feeling. He's been talking the past few days about going back to being a foreman in a couple of months and acting like everything is all better and back to normal. Really, are we not going to make it to Saturday without me strangling him in his sleep? No dear, you don't wipe out years of erratic behavior in a month. No, things are not all better. Honestly, I think he's not liking this Mr. Mom thing. He's just beginning to realize all the things he has to do in the evenings now that I'm back to work, the fact that we don't see each other at all during the week, and how much more there will be when school starts. He's not loving it. I however, was highly amused watching him work out carpool with the other moms. Anywho,I think he's to make subtle suggestions about working as a foreman again and then he will be making more money and I can cut down my hours. Yea uh huh. First of all, his PTSD isn't going away anytime soon. He's got added stressors taking care of the kids, and now he wants to add the stress of being a foreman back into the mix? And expect not to go over the edge. Again, fascinating the way his mind thinks. This is a short one today, I have to get dinner in the crockpot before I leave for work. If you're out there, you're not alone.

Our anniversary is coming up

It's Saturday. It was also my father's birthday. Boy, I didn't think that one through to the end. I alway thought it was so cool that I got married on Daddy's birthday. I used to tease him about the really expensive birthday party he threw himself. And he would tease me about how it was worth it to get rid of me. I adored my father. He was and is the first love of my life. And now he's gone. And it hurts. Ironic isn't it that the thing that send hubby over the edge was his death. That the time I need my dad the most to help me get through this, he's gone. I used to love it when I called the house and Daddy answered the phone. He only did that when no one else was home. I knew we'd have time to talk and we did, for hours. It was funny because when someone else was home and gave daddy the phone to say hi, the only thing he ever said was "good night, God bless, I love you." That was it, nothing more. But when he was home alone, we'd talk for hours. I found myself saving up all the things I wanted to talk to him about for those times he answered the phone. I don't think I can put into words how much I miss him, and what I would give to be able to call him and talk to him about all this. Life just isn't fair. Didn't God know I still needed my Daddy? Well, anyway. So, our anniversary is Saturday. And frankly, I surprised we're still together to celebrate it. Okay, so we're not actually going to celebrate it, I mean come on, there currently isn't much to celebrate. We'll acknowledge it, and that's something anyway. We made it another year, and that's something. I haven't strangled him in his sleep, and boy is that something! So, we'll acknowledge it, and get on with it, and hope that maybe next year we'll feel like celebrating. If you're out there reading this, know you are not alone.

Sometimes I just want to smack him upside the head.

we went to a funeral on Saturday. One of our friends, who has worked with hubby for years lost his sister. Our friends wife was telling hubby that her husband is behaving just like hubby was when he was working on the Freedom Tower. Yep, knew it. Hubby isn't the only one who has PTSD from this nightmare. I had to laugh when hubby started saying things like "he needs to go get help" Oh really? It took me 12 years to talk you into this and you had to dang near loose your family before you finally did. And he refuses to let that little tidbit of information out. He adamantly refuses to tell anyone, including the children, that he has been diagnosed with PTSD and is seeking help. It just boggles the mind. Does he really think that everyone around him doesn't know he's not sane? Does he think that we've somehow missed the fact that he's a completely different person than he was before? Does he think he's hidden his erratic, violent behavior? So, let me get this straight, you'd rather people think you're a raging jackass than they know you have a mental illness that you can and are getting help for? Boy, their brains really do think differently. So, this conversation he was having was something out of that body snatchers movie again. But then he said something that instantly ticked me off. He said that all his friends abandon him while on the job. That they didn't do right by him. Every time he says it I want to scream. And smack him upside the head. The crew were all under an unbelievable amount of pressure and stress on that job. And it went on for years. They were burned out. And I know for certain, sure that they stayed in hell as long as they did out of loyalty to him. They loved him and were loyal to him. And yes, by the end their behavior was unacceptable. But in their defense, they were burned out, and they were working for a raging jackass. He absolutely won't recognize they he had just as much to do with the ending of his friendships as they did. He thinks he has no responsibility here at all. Oh honestly!! Living with him gets so dang frustration. It's hard to fathom that he honestly doesn't see it. That his mind is so messed up that he thinks all this is someone elses fault. My job is going okay so far. I hate not being home in the evenings with the kids and this is a job for a twenty something not a middle aged housewife. He's doing okay so far with the kids. Making dinner every night for them. It's more work for me. The amount of planning and arranging I have to do to make sure their day goes smoothly has tripled. I'm waiting to see what happens when the honeymoon stage is over. When this isn't such a novelty anymore and he's handling homework, and projects and last minute cupcakes. When he has to attend concerts and plays and marching band events. Waiting for that other shoe to drop because I know it's coming. It always does. If you're out there reading this, know you're not alone.

I start work today

Well, the deed is done. Orientation over and the uniform purchased. I'll be working Monday to Friday 2-10:30 PM. I've spent the last few days alternating between wanting to throw up and pass out. I can not tell you how much I don't want to do this. Outside of all the kids concerts and such I'll miss, and the Holidays I'll have to work, him being alone with the kids is such a bad idea. Not to mention, we will only see each other on weekends. That's not exactly a recipe for closing the abyss. You see, things have deteriorated to the point that the only thing I really need him for is his paycheck. I know how awful that sounds, but it's all about speaking the truth here. So what's going to happen when I don't need that anymore? How is this going to work toward us not being roommates anymore? My stress-o-meter is pinned on defcon 1 that's for sure. I'm worried about how the stress of all this is going to affect him. Honestly, he thinks this is a good thing that it will take the pressure off him to cover the bills. True enough. But he's not thinking long term. He'll have to start taking care of dinner, homework, getting supplies for projects, going to concerts. He's going from 0 to 60. I'm scared to death that his mind won't be able to handle this. The potential for this to go horribly wrong is mind boggling. Let's all say a prayer my worries are unfounded.

This just isn't going to end well

Well, I found a job. I've been looking for months. Because his new position doesn't pay nearly as much as his old one did, I'm forced to go to work. The only thing I could find was working nights from 4 to midnight. He thinks this is great. He thinks he's going to be able to handle taking care of the kids in the evenings. He thinks he's going to cook dinner. he thinks he's going to go to concerts, and practices and band performances. Yea, okay, so, after years of having absolutely no involvement in the children's lives, he's going to be Mr. Mom. The thing is, he's in a decent place at the moment. He's still in the honeymoon phase with his therapist. So he really believes that things are all better now and he's going to be just fine from now on. He thinks he's going to just start being an active member of this family and the past years will just melt away into the distance. And this is what we refer to as the station phase of life. Keep your hands and feet inside the ride people because we're going to go shooting through said station eventually. Like I've said before, I don't fall for that one anymore. It's kinda sad actually, he really believes it. I've also started to openly discuss with him his behaviors. I had to chuckle the other day. We went for a walk and we were talking about my new job and friends and such, actually holding hands. Which doesn't always happen anymore. I brought up the subject of him being with the kids. And the problems I think may come up and just talking about the PTSD in general. As soon as I starting talking about it, he dropped my hand. I gave it a few minutes and then asked didja notice as soon as I started talking about it, you dropped my hand? That subliminally, you are shying away from having to face this? That's one of the things I'm just kinda bumbling through. I don't know if I should be pointing things like that out, I don't know if it will hurt or help but I've always been a face things head on and deal with them kind of person. I figure he's not going to stop doing it if he's not aware that he does it. If I call him out on it every time, he'll realize how often he does it and have to face it. Of course, it could also be the catalyst that shoots us through the station again. You just never know what will set his brain off. I've started reading the books I bought. So far, it's nothing I haven't figured out myself. Living with a depressed person is depressing. Living with someone with PTSD is stressing. Although if I read the sentence "don't take it personally" one more time I'm going to scream. My husband is not capable of emotional attachment, he's moody, and difficult to live with. How in the name of little green apples am I NOT supposed to take that personally? But I shall keep reading and hoping that I can find some nuggets of wisdom in there to help me deal. It's been a long week, and it's only Wednesday. Our walk was good. But then, something happened that set off the warning bells in my head. And I checked to see if they were justified and sure enough, he'd done something that he knows is unacceptable to me and that he'd sworn he'd never do again. When I confronted him about it, I got the gee I'm sorry, it was juvenile and wrong and I shouldn't have done it. Which of course accomplished nothing because when a person is unable to feel emotions in a normal way, they truly don't understand why your so upset or how damaging the behavior is to their relationship. It's not unlike talking to a teenager. He saw his therapist yesterday and came home looking wrung out. It was a "hard" session apparently. His therapist suggested I go in and sit in on one of his sessions. Don't know if I want to really. While I'm learning to separate the man from the disease, at this point, it would be too much like listening to excuses for the behavior. And honestly, if the therapist tells me not to take it personally, I may have to hit him :-)

what do I do with me?

I bought a couple of books yesterday. Heaven help me, I'm going to read self help books. Now that's not something I ever thought in a million years I'd do. Seriously, I always thought they were ridiculous and touchy feely. Not something I'm good at. Touchy feely, not my thing. But I've been looking for a support group of sorts around here and well, there isn't one. Oh there are groups for military families, but not for 9/11 related families. It's a whole different ball game. See, military people return from war. They place they were traumatized is way over there somewhere and they never have to return to it again. They're a certain safety that comes with distance. These guys have to continue to return to the place of their trauma every day. And when it's a military family, there is a certain knowledge that bad things are going to happen. I know when he leaves for work every day he may not come home due to an accident but none of us were prepared for the possibility that something might happen to cause long term PTSD. Unfortunately, that part may have been avoided had he gone for help the first time I suggested it. But he didn't, and that pisses me off. A lot. So much pain and anger and damage could have been avoided if he'd done something back when the abyss was a crack in the foundation. But he didn't and this is where we are now and I have to deal with what is, not what I wish it would be. It is so dang frustrating that mental illness still has such a stigma. When is that going to change? Haven't we established that it's nothing to be ashamed of or hide anymore? I believe that's why he wouldn't go earlier. When he was king of the hill, the guy, it was unthinkable that anyone know he was ill. Fascinating really. See, we all knew he was behaving like a jackass, that he was lying to us all on a regular basis. So, in his mind, it was better that we all thought he was just a jackass and not ill? Not even Mr. Spock could find the logic in that. I guess like anything else, he had to fall to rock bottom before he'd admit there was a problem. And had to drag his family down with him. So, now here we are. And since I can't find a support group in the area, I've decided that the next best thing is to read books from people who have been there and psychologists who have dealt with the families before. I need to gain some insight into how to help both him and I. He's going to need different things from me than he has before. We've moved from living with it to trying to heal it. And I need to learn how to function outside a war zone. I've focused on keeping him stable for so long it's hard not to continue to do that. It's funny because I've heard for so long, you need to take care of yourself, and he can do for himself and you need to stop catering to him. What no one understood is that no he can't. Not even me. I used to get so mad because I'd ask him to help me do something when he got home from work and he would tell me no. Seriously, he'd flat out say no. I marveled at women who had a honey-do list that actually got done by honey. But I'm learning that he honestly just didn't have the mental capability of functioning beyond work. He was so focused, to the point of obsession, that there was nothing left. And this is part of the illness. His mind was in a way trying to protect itself by having a single minded focus on a task. His mind honestly couldn't function beyond it. So, going on vacation or leaving him for more than a day was a really bad idea. He would fall apart because he then HAD to function beyond his "comfort" zone and the repercussions could last weeks. It's almost a co-dependant kind of relationship. He needed me to handle his life and I needed to keep life as sane and normal for the kids as I could. It came down to I was protecting the children from their father. That's a sad statement right there. But I still can't leave him alone with the kids. I need to be able to run interference until he can recognize abnormal behavior and reactions. Now as he is learning to cope and function like everyone else. I have to learn to let him do it on his own. And when he falls, he's got to pick himself back up. I can't do it for him anymore. Which is going to require things getting worse before they get better. For both of us. There's a certain comfort in doing it. In handling the situation in my way. It certainly made the childrens and my life easier. But it has also turned me into a control freak. And I need insight into how to let go of that control. So, I went to the mental illness section of the self help and found a couple of books I'm hoping will give me some guidance into all this from people who have been there and know what they're talking about. I realize that at some point, I will most likely have to go to counseling with him. There will be a point when he's well enough to understand the damage he's done to the family and we can begin to work on trying to fix that. That part makes me want to hurl. Because he really has no clue at the moment what he's done. How badly he's damaged his relationship with not only me but the children. He doesn't know that I stopped being in love with him long ago and his children can't stand him. I know, when he does realize it that it will be a hard thing to handle. It's going to hurt to know what he's done, and just how much work he will have to put into fixing it. And I wish I could protect him from that because I'm beginning to understand to separate the man from the PTSD. And what the PTSD has done will hurt the man. But, that's all part of me learning to let go of control. If it does devastate him and take him to his knees, he's going to have to work with his therapist to get back up. I can't do it for him. All I can do is pray he is in the right hands to get through it. In the meantime, I will read my books and work on what will be by necessity, the new me. This should be interesting. If you're out there reading this, know you are not alone.